If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
