she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
