So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
