I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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