Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
