someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize