im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
