She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
