Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
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