I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
