If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
