remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
