I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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