you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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