I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
