Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
