who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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