I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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