you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
