I'd wear matching sweaters with you
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
