I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
