He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I want to be your penis for a week.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
