i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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