I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
