if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
