garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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