I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Randomize
