Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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