I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
