You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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