All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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