Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
