Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I'm really busy with my period
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