i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
