you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
