I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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