I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
