There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
