Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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