if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
