its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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