Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
