As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
