The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
