happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
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