She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
