But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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