When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize