captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Let's get the cat blown out
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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