I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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