she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
