The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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