Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
