I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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