My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
