an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
