Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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