I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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