Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize