I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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