I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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