I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
