I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
