You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
