Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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