im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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