That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
