Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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