On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Hippo gnu deer
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
