When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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