I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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