if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
