She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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