i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
